Genuine Merjeo T-Shirts are Finally HERE

This is not your ordinary every day T-Shirt. These Designer T-Shirts are
SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL, and we here at MERJEO'S are very proud of them.


Embroidered Design • 100 per cent Heavy Cotton • All sizes • Highest Quality


Merjeo T-Shirts

beggarsSome of the people you see on the freeway ramp during rush hour, holding up the sign, “I will work for food” drive to work in Cadillac’s and Mercedes Benz’s. They park far away from their work area so no one will see them.

One day, a few years ago, I stopped and said to one of them, “I have some work for you if you’re interested. But we have to go now.” He said, “No, I can’t leave now. It’s rush hour.”

There’s good money in begging people for money on a street corner. Some of these guys make from $10 to $20 an hour. That’s $20,000 to $40,000 a year in tax-free income. Some of these guys work overtime. There’s no telling how much they make a year. Some of them are members of Country Clubs. The guys who do this are really good at it. I guess you could say that they’re professionals.

But let’s be realistic. Who wants to be a professional beggar?

proof-of-heavenTwo weeks ago, a relative told me about a great book she had read. Once was not enough. She had to read it twice.

The book caused her to make a very interesting observation. When you die, you not only see your aunts, uncles, great grandparents and others who you barely knew during your lifetime. You also meet relatives who had died, even before you were even born.

Is there such a thing as a Near Death Experience?

Many people who have had Near Death Experiences have experienced this, according to Dr. Alexander.

The problem with this is, death and near death are two different circumstances. If someone is nearly dead, they’re not dead.

For example, how can a woman be nearly pregnant?

Does something happen after we die?

The only way we will know the answer to this question is to die. I’m not quite ready to do this yet. And if you’re reading this or not reading this, I hope the same is true for you.

Do you remember how you felt in the year 1795? Will you feel exactly the same way in 2195?

I sincerely hope not. If death is like going to sleep or into a coma, and never waking up, what’s the reason for everything we’ve been taught over the years? Nothing would devastate me more than to find out that everything we have been taught about God is not true. If this is the case, which I don’t believe, I wouldn’t know it anyway.

According to my cousin, who read this book, this is not the case, and she felt very certain of what she said.

 

aliensThis is how eight people answered this question:

  • People are abducted by aliens every day and forced into slave labor. Another description for it is Human trafficking.
  • It’s an honor to be abducted by aliens. If they like you, and take to you, you’ll be the leader of their world.
  • I’d love to be abducted by aliens. The female aliens must look good in those tight alien jeans.
  • Aliens are located in the Appalachian mountains and the desert. If you move to one of those regions, your chances of being abducted will be much higher.
  • Keep dreaming, My Friend.
  • I wouldn’t mind it so much, provided they let me call home to let the family know that I am OK.
  • Trust me, you don’t want this because you can get raped.
  • Well, if you  dream a little bit harder, it could happen.

movies-capital

cheat-on-your-loverThis is what some people have to say about this touchy subject:

• Well you can but in the end you’ll get caught anyway. Then, it’s curtains for you.

• Some might say: “Don’t do what I do, Do what I say, No it isn’t okay!”

• Some will even go so far as to say, “Sure it’s OK. That’s what makes the world go round.”

• The most logical answer is, “If someone cheats on me and denies it, OK. But this person will never be trusted again.”

The bottom line is, NO! It’s not OK to cheat on your lover and deny it. The reason is, if you cheat the first time, you’ll cheat the second time, Then, there will be a third, forth and fifth time.

How do you keep from cheating on someone the second time? It’s simple.

Don’t cheat on someone the first time.

There are so many famous places and landmarks in the world. Many of these are places that many people, at least once in their lifetime, would like to see.

What would you like to see in your lifetime?

Here are the 6 places that people would like to visit:

sistine-chapel The Sistine Chapel

The people who have visited this beautiful place have described it in one word – Breathtaking! The thought of a man creating such magnificent works of art for four years, while lying on his back is awesome.

Alcatraz

Alcatraz

Of course, no one would have ever wanted to visit this place as an inmate. Now that it’s a museum, there are many people who would like to see it just once in their lifetime. Many who have visited Alcatraz are still bewildered that Frank Morris, and the Anglin Brothers successfully escaped from Alcatraz, aka, The Rock.

hitsville-usa

Hitsville USA

Now the Motown Museum, this is where such famous people as Michael Jackson, Marvin Gaye, and Dianna Ross got their start.

winged-foot-country-club

Winged Foot Country Club

This place is vicious. The US Open is played there every so often, and the leader board posts scores like 10 and 12 over par. As a golfer, I would like to see if this golf course is really as tough as people say it is.

grand-canyon

The Grand Canyon

I’ve never been there, but I flew over it. It is an awesome site, even from thirty thousand feet.

egyptian-pyramids

The Egyptian Pyramids

These are awesome sites. They make you wonder how people who were less technologically advanced could build such massive structures. Or were they less technologically advanced? Who knows? But these have stood the test of time.

merjeo-t-shirt-blackSince we first introduced the Merjeo T-Shirt two days ago, we have received hundreds of emails. A few were from women, but approximately 95 percent of them were from men. They were mostly saying, “I love the T-Shirt, but the colors are more suited for women. What about something that a man would like?”

Well, there you have it. The Merjeo Black T-Shirt is now available as one of your color choices. As the creator and designer of the Merjeo T-Shirt, I must admit that this is a very distinctive and classy looking shirt. In fact, it turned out much better than I ever imagined. I can’t pick a favorite, however. As the designer, I love them all.

I told you two days ago that we will be introducing many new fashions over the next several months. I just didn’t think it would be so soon.

In a few days, we’re going to introduce yet another design for the t-shirt. You will definitely not want to miss this.

tatooI once knew a guy who was Puerto Rican. He had several tatoo’s, but two stood out. On his left leg, he had a tatoo of Jesus Christ. On his right leg, there was the Virgin Mary. This is a true story.

I knew someone else who was a fifth degree black belt in Karate. He had a black belt tatooed around his leg.

People go crazy with tatoo’s. Here are some some unusual, but popular tatoo images:

  • A coffee pot
  • Mickey Mouse smiling
  • An angel with colourful wings
  • Fred Flinstone’s face
  • A blood dripping pentagram
  • A picture of your girlfriend
  • A picture of your whole body, only smaller

birds-and-the-beesAbsolutely not. Parents don’t like to do this.

My Dad was forced to tell me about the Birds and the Bees

By the time my Dad told me about the Birds and the Bees, I already knew about it. I learned everything about sex on the streets, in school during recess, and from my friends. But it wasn’t easy. It was like putting a puzzle together.

When I say  he was forced to tell me about it, I mean that he had no choice. One night, I said something to him that I had picked up at school, and he whipped my ass. After we both calmed down, he decided that telling me about the Birds and the Bees would be in both out best interests.

sex-change-operationMen have more problems with this than women.

There are more men who wouldn’t want to be a woman, than there are women who wouldn’t want to be a man.

There are not that many things men do that women would find unbearable. But, there are two things that women do that most men would never want to to.

Men would never want to have a period every month.

Men just can’t bear the thought of having to sit down to pee.

public-restroomMost people don’t feel comfortable using a public restroom with no lock on the door. They don’t take too  kindly of someone coming in and seeing their business. What can you do if there’s no lock?

How to use a public restroom with no lock

First, you could keep your back to the door, hope no one comes in and go for it. This is not comfortable. You’re so worried about someone coming in on you, that you can’t pee all of a sudden.

If the toilet or urinal is close enough to the door, you can hold the door closed with your foot while you pee. This is a little risky. If someone tries to come in, you might pee all over yourself.

If you have something with you, like a shopping bag, you can put the bag on the floor behind the door hoping this will prevent someone from just walking in. I don’t particularly like this idea. I don’t want pee on my bag, and there’s probably pee on the floor.

You can tell an employee that you have to pee, and ask him to watch the door for you while you go. This is not good, because he’ll know your business, and he’ll probably think you’re crazy.

While you’e peeing, you can shout over and over again, “This bathroom is in use. Stay the hell out until I finish.”

Instead of using the public bathroom, you can go behind the building and let it rip. But if a cop sees you, you’re SOL.

As a last resort, you can hold it until you get home.

The best thing you can do is just do your business, and don’t worry about it. When you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go. Whoever would see you wouldn’t care anyway. You have nothing he hasn’t seen. He’s got one too.

panic-attackSome people have hang-ups in an elevator. There is a chance that you will get stuck. For many, this is like the end of the world. It doesn’t bother me. I’ve been stuck in an elevator many times, and have never gone into panic.

There are 2 ways to create a panic attack in an elevator

For the first way to work, the elevator has to stop, and you and the other people have to get stuck. When this happens, act like you are hysterical. Fake a panic attack. If there are more than 3 people in the elevator, someone else will get a panic attack. However, they will not be faking.

The other way to create a panic attack in an elevator works great if there are a lot of people riding up or down. Look at the guy next to you, point to him and ask,

Would you like to pull my finger?

pull-my-finger

Some good tasting foods, like peanut butter, and ice cream, are available in fat free. Unfortunately, other good tasting foods are those you cannot get fat free. That’s so terrible, because they taste so good.

mcdonalds-big-mac-fries

McDonald’s Big Bac and Fries

cheesecake

Cheesecake

bacon

Bacon

cream-cake

Cream Cake

lard

Lard – If it was Fat Free, it Wouldn’t be Lard

body

Some people would say, “My Girl Friend or Boy Friend’s Body”

When you look out your window, you may see something that will let you know right away that you won’t be leaving the house on that day.

5 things that will keep you in your house

zombies

Zombies

violent-storm

A Violent Storm

snow

A Few Feet of Snow

tornado

A Tornado

baltimore-riot

If You Live in Baltimore, a Riot

republican-democratThe majority of people, when asked this question, will claim they’re not affiliated with any party. These people tend to lean towards the Libertarian party. They usually vote for one of the other candidates in a Presidential election, knowing they have no chance in the world of winning.

Some people will call themselves a Democrat, or a Republican, but they realized there is little difference in the two parties. They say what they’ll do on the campaign trail, but once elected, they forget what they said.

Some people choose to be Independent. They figure, why pick a side when both sides suck and neither is doing any good for the country? To these people, both Democrats and Republicans are more interested in making money and getting their way than helping people.

Others despise the idea of political parties. These people vote for republican candidates because they believe they are usually the lesser of two evils.

The end result is simple. Why not vote for the candidate instead of the party?

mickey-mantle

When you think of the happiest times of your life, there are a number of things that will come to mind. Some of the following are what a lot of people first thought of:

  • Irish History
  • When I was 10, 11 and 12, and playing Little League Baseball
  • Playing in my $15 Wat-mart pool with my sisters when I was around 5 and 6
  • Times spent with a special person who’s no longer with us
  • The days before Barack Obama was elected President
  • Those good old Bar-be-ques on Memorial Day, Forth of July and Labor Day
  • When there were no labor saving devices, but we had more time to do the things we wanted to do, like sitting on the front porch
  • When Micky Mantle hit his 500th home run

underwearWhen six women were asked the question, “Are you wearing underwear?”, this is how they answered:

1: Yes I am. Thank you for asking.

2: I always wear underwear. But occasionally, I won’t wear any. But it’s not worth it, because nobody seems to notice, or pay me any attention.

3: Not wearing underwear is like playing peekaboo when a guy is looking.

4: Yes, I’m wearing underwear right at this very moment. I don’t know if I’ll be wearing any an hour from now, though. Like it’s always been said, the future is unknown.

5: Yes, I’m wearing underwear. Strange guys also need a place they can call home.

6: No. I not wearing anything except a Merjeo T-Shirt, with nothing under it.

dr-philIf people have done something terrible to you, the first thing you think about doing is getting even with them.

Is this the right thing to do? NO! Why? Because it’s what they expect you to do. That’s what they want you to do. Do this, and you’ll never be able to get these people out of your system. They’ll take control of your life, and they won’t even know it. Don’t give any jerk who has hurt you the satisfaction.

People who have hurt you don’t care about you. They don’t even know or care if you exist anymore. There is something you must do that will suddenly make them know and care.

There is a peaceful and calm way to get your revenge without harming anyone. This way will not bring any harm to them, and it’s certainly not illegal, but it will almost destroy them for life.

The best way to get your revenge on someone who has hurt you is very simple.

Live Well !


Merjeo T-Shirts are HERE and VERY UNIQUE

We first made the announcement about the Merjeo clothing line on July 23, 2014. Since this date, the first product to be released has been in the developmental stage. Also since this date we have received thousands of emails and requests from people who are awaiting the Merjeo T-Shirt.

Well, the wait is finally over. The Merjeo T-Shirts are here and ready to be enjoyed by the many people who have been so very patient over the last several months.

And Here Are the Merjeo T-Shirts

merjeo-t-shirtsmerjeo-t-shirts

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is just the beginning. There will be much more to follow, but we’ll get into this a little more later. For now, I want you to know just why these T-Shirts are so very special.

Merjeo T-Shirts are not like any other T-Shirts

Merjeo T-Shirts are not your average, everyday t-shirts. However, they can be appropriately worn any day of the year. We consider them to be designer t-shirts, although they are very versatile.

If you’re expecting a design that is an iron on or a silk screen, this is not what you’re going to get. The design, which took years to develop, is embroidered on every Merjeo T-Shirt.

The t-shirt is 100 percent heavy cotton, so you know it’s going to be comfortable, as well as attractive, for all situations. The t-shirt is designed  for everyone – Gentlemen and ladies, boys and girls, young and old – Everyone. Men and ladies, you’ll enjoy wearing this t-shirt at the beach, or for any type of casual wear. Ladies, you may even consider wearing this t-shirt on a night out on the town.

The Merjeo T-Shirt is available in all sizes. For now, it is also available in two colors, white and green.

Merjeo T-Shirts are just the beginning

By the end of May, we’re planning to introduce Merjeo hats. Hopefully, they will be introduced earlier. The development stage is over, so new fashion designs will be coming out much faster in the future. There are also plans in the future for a Merjeo golf shirt, Merjeo ladies activewear, and much much more. There are so many fashions planned for the future that we can’t even begin to cover all that we have planned.

For now, we know you’re going to love the Merjeo T-Shirt. At the present time, you can get a Merjeo T-Shirt right here. In a few days, you will also be able to get the Merjeo T-Shirt at one of our sister websites, ShopGlad.com. By the middle of the Summer, we anticipate that these t-shirts will be in the stores. We’re working very hard on this, and we’re going to try to get them in as many stores as we can.

The Merjeo T-Shirts are something unique and very special. We want the entire world to embrace these new designer t-shirts.


Portland, Maine became the 275th city to ban e-cigarettes from public places. Many people around the country are furious about this. One man came all the way from Boston to attend the meeting. People are convinced that e-cigarettes are good for you. DEJA VU.

lung-cancer

Take a good look at the pictures. This is what someone’s lung looks like when they have lung cancer. I know this picture is gruesome and horrifying. You’re probable upset at the sight of it. I posted it for a reason. I want everyone to stop smoking those damn cigarettes. They killed my wife five years ago. I don’t want them to kill anyone else. Don’t even smoke e-cigarettes. There are too many unknowns, that could be very frightening. Read on, and you’ll understand where I’m coming from.

The main reason Portland enforced the ban was because e-cigarettes have not been regulated by the Food and Drug Administration.

E-cigarettes are supposed to be a safe alternative to traditional cigarettes, right?

People think e-cigarettes are good for them. Does this sound familiar? When traditional cigarettes first came out, everyone thought they were good for them. The old cigarette commercials on TV promoted cigarettes by saying, “They make your throat feel so good.” The people who bought into this are not feeling bad. They’re not exactly feeling good either. They’re feeling nothing, because they’re six feet under.

No one thought traditional cigarettes caused lung cancer. Today, no one thinks e-cigarettes cause lung cancer. When cigarettes first came out, no one had ever even heard about lung cancer.

 

eric-holder

If you are involved in a crime, it can be one of two ways. The first is, you committed the crime yourself. If this is the case, and they have the goods on you, no doubt about it, YOU’RE SCREWED.

Second, you may know of someone who has committed the crime. If the authorities can prove that you know the person who committed the crime, they will try to connect you with the crime every way possible. You don’t even have to have had any involvement in the crime. You don’t even have to know that a crime was committed. Unfortunately, the authorities, especially the Feds, are a bunch of bureaucrats. Prosecuting an innocent person is something that puts a feather in their cap. In many cases, if they are aware that you know the guilty person, the bottom line is, YOU’RE SCREWED.

Two things that can keep you out of prison

First, if the authorities come to question you, act like you’re busy, and don’t talk to them. I did my research before writing this, by casually asking an attorney about this. His answer was, “That’s your property. Who you don’t want to allow inside your house is your business. If someone comes to your house, and you don’t want them to come inside, ask them to leave. If they don’t, report them for trespassing. If Eric Holder came to your house, you have the right to ask him to leave.”

This came straight from the mouth of an attorney.

Second, if they come back with a warrant, you have to meet with them. I said you have to meet with them. You don’t have to talk to them. They tell you “You have the right to remain silent . . .,etc.” If you don’t know about any crime that has been committed, there’s no problem telling them this, but nothing else. Otherwise, don’t say anything.

The authorities don’t know what you don’t tell them. They try to scare you into thinking they know more. The authorities love to trick people into snitching on themselves. Did you know that 90 percent of the people who are in prison are there because they couldn’t keep their mouths shut? One little thing they said sent them to prison. This is also from the mouth of the attorney.

department-of-justiceI received another email from a reader from Homewood, Alabama.

This guy was pissed, but not at me. He was pissed at his former business partner. The guy’s name is Joe, and his partner was Mike. The two were in the business of providing financial services.

About nine years ago, Mike stole some money from one of their client’s trust fund. Joe said to him, “Put it back, or I’ll turn your ass in to the Feds.”

I don’t want to use an expletive here. Occasionally, I’ll use a damn, hell, piss, or sh*t. But the word I could use to describe Mike is one I don’t want to use. But I’ll give you two hints. First, it begins with the letter “P”. Second, it’s something men love, at least, straight men.

Anyway, Mike returned the money, but the damaged had been done. Mike was not only a P. He was also a big mouth. He liked to talk. About three months later, on a Friday afternoon, a Special Agent from the US Treasury Department, and a Homewood detective visited them. They questioned Joe, but didn’t question Mike. The following Monday, Joe and Mike went to see an attorney. Mike asked the attorney the following question, “Can you help him?”

Imagine the nerve of the SOB!

Two months later, they came back, and questioned Mike. According to Joe, Mike looked as if he had just sh*t in his pants.

To make a long story short, in November of that year, Joe and Mike were indicted for theft and fraud. Mike was guilty of the crime, and Joe was guilty because he was Mike’s partner, and didn’t turn him in. The two had to plea guilty because Mike committed the crime, and there was no way they would win in a trial. Besides, a trial would have gotten them each about 10 years in prison. However, the attorney worked out a deal with the Federal prosecutor, whereby, the two would get three years probation. But thanks to Mike, this went to hell in a handbag.

The next two events were, the pre-sentence with the probation officers, and the sentencing. During Mike’s visit with his probation officer, who was a woman, he and his wife said and did something to piss her officer off, so she recommended 15 to 21 months in prison. The prosecutor then approached the two and said, “We need to work out a deal. If you know of any of your clients who have done anything illegal, turn them in. It may get you a lighter sentence from the judge.” Joe asked him, “Why do we need a lighter sentence from the Judge? We had a deal and it was three years probation.” The Federal prosecutor played dumb, which probably wasn’t hard for him to do. Joe wanted no part of this, but Mike jumped at the chance. As a result, he compiled a list of clients, and made up a bunch of garbage and lies about their involvement in illegal activities.

A few days later, the two were sentenced to Federal prison. Joe got eight months. Mike got three years.

Joe, I’m not going to email you back and tell you what I have to say. I know you will read it right here.

“You IDIOT! Why didn’t you turn this P in at the beginning. You’d be off the hook. There’s no shame in being a snitch, unless or course, you’re an inmate. But I suppose you know that now. My Friend, you didn’t go to prison because you did something. You went to prison because you didn’t do something – TURN THIS P IN!”

ugly-womanI received an email from a visitor to this site, and he wanted me to share this story with you.

Recently, he got a job as a Wal-Mart employee. His second day on the joy, this real ugly woman with two boys came into the store. Being friendly and courteous, the Wal-Mart employee tried to strike up a conversation with the woman.

He said to her, “Your two boys sure are cute. Are they twins?” The woman took offence to the question. She said to him, “What makes you think they’re twins. They don’t even look alike. One is nine, and the other is seven. Why don’t you mind your own damn business?”

The clerk responded bu saying,

“I just had to ask. I can’t believe a man slept with you twice.”

Watch this video to the end because it is very funny. See if you can tell which is which.

This is an amazing story, and something that you will only see once in a lifetime.

Kannon is the nephew. He was born on September 27, 2011. He is the little guy on the right. Kannon’s mother is Kayla. Braylon is the uncle, and was born 23 hours later. Brayson’s father is Steve. Steve is also Kayla’s father.

Confused?

Oh, by the way, Steve is my brother.

nephew-uncle

ocdIt’s simple. Do a little checking, and find as many people in your local area who suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) as you possibly can. Contact each person and tell them you are starting a group sharing session at your house for all those who suffer from OCD. Make it clear that anyone is invited to attend. People who have OCD will jump at the chance, especially if they think it will cure them.

Once they all arrive, just throw a big party, and let the people just hang around and shoot the breeze. It’s a sure bet that at least three of them will want to take the time to clean your house for you.


Asking a Question

This should be a simple thing to do. You ask someone something, and then, you stop talking, and let them answer.

If this is so sasking-a-questionimple, then why do so many people in the media mess it up? The next time you see an interview on TV, watch closely. The interviewer will ask the question, and then try to answer the question before the person asked is given the chance.

During football season last year, I was listening to an NFL post-game interview of the player who was named the player of the game. He was the kicker. The interviewer asked a question by saying, “How do you guys prepare for a big game? I know that the kicker and members of the specialty teams belong to an exclusive club. You probably do not prepare for a game like the rest of the team, I was just wondering how you guys prepare for a game . . .if you go through the same drills . . .if you . . .” Finally, I said, “Man, be quiet and let him answer the question!”

When someone asks a question, and keeps on talking, I laugh, but I also get irritated.

Most members of the media have no idea how to ask a question. Only three people in the media know how to ask questions:

“Now, do you know how to ask a question? Before you answer this, I want you to understand that I am not trying to insult your intelligence, or make you out to be uneducated, but what I really want you to understand before answering is, . . . .”

YOU GET MY POINT?

st-peterAfter mass, about a week ago, there were two priests talking to the members of the congregation. One was around the age of 28, and the other was close to 70.

The younger priest was talking to a beautiful woman. I mean, this lady was a real looker. Sexy, beautiful, seductive – She had it all. Suddenly, the younger priest had a blush on his face, but for no particular reason. Finally, he had to leave because he couldn’t stand it. I think the young priest had a sexual problem, because he was walking kind of funny.

He went into a room in the back of the church. The older priest noticed that there was a problem, do he decided to follow him and find out what was wrong. It was then when I decided to do some eaves-dropping. I’m  not necessarily a noisy person, but I’m always looking for good stuff to write about.

I tried to listen in. The older priest ask, “What’s wrong?” The younger priest wouldn’t say, but the older priest knew that the beautiful lady got to him. He said to the young priest, “Son, I know what’s wrong. You’ve got to be able to handle this kind of situation. You’re a priest now.”

Showdown with St. Peter

The older priest couldn’t mind his own business and leave it alone. He just had to confront the lovely lady. He went up to her and said, “I want to apologize for what just happened.” The lovely lady understood. This is when he should have stopped, but he was too hard headed to do so. He went on by saying, “Actually, this happens a lot. Beautiful women like yourself shouldn’t tease these young priests. That’s not good. I’m not saying you were wrong, but you didn’t help the situation. It’s unfortunate that many lovely ladies like yourself come on to our younger priests. And believe me, the ones who do this will be judged for it when they enter the gates of heaven. Be careful, otherwise, St. Finger will point his Peter at you.

paratroopsI was having a beer with a friend last night, and we decided to go back in time, and talk about the old Army days. I couldn’t resist telling him a story about something that happened one day.

Paratroopers can’t count to 3

I was in the paratroops. I remember jump day like it was yesterday. I was a little nervous, but no more than everyone else in the outfit. Well, almost everyone else. There was one guy who made the rest of us seem like the calmest guys on the planet.

We were in line to jump, and I was second in line. The guy in front of me began to panic. He was hysterical. He told the officer in charge, “I CAN’T DO THIS, SIR. I CAN’T DO THIS. PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME DO THIS. I’M SCARED TO DEATH!” He didn’t just say this to the officer. He was screaming and in a state of panic.

The officer stopped for a moment, put his arm around the scared paratrooper, and calmly said to him, “Don’t worry, Son. I’m not going to let anything happen to you. I’ll get you through this. Now, just calm down, take a deep breath, and we’ll get through this together.” After about 5 minutes, the guy was calm.

The officer went on, “Now, just relax, and you’ll be OK. I’m going to count to 3. When I get to three, jump. Let me know when you’re ready.”

About 2 minutes later, the guy said, “I ready, Sir.” The officer stood behind him with his hand on the guy’s shoulder and said, “Good. Now I’ll get behind you, and count to 3. ONE . . TWOOOOOOOOOOO!”

On the count of two, the officer raised his leg, pushed the guy with his foot and literally kicked him out of the plane, and was laughing the whole time. Then, he looked at me, but he was not laughing. He said, “Are you ready to jump or not?” I looked at him and said, “Yes Sir! You don’t have to help me. I ready to do it.”


Questions and Answers

A guy came to visit me a few days ago. I could tell by the look on his face that he was a little upset about something. The first thing he said was, “I have some questions to ask you, and I want some answers.”

In a friendly manner, I said to him, “Sure thing, Son. I can answer any question you ask me by referring to my database on my computer. I never go anywhere without my laptop. I never answer a question without looking it up. This way, I know I’ll give the right answer. Everything is arranged in alphabetical order.”

questions-answers

“Son, ask me anything you want, and as many questions as you want, and I will answer them.”

Questions and Answers

Q: Is your name Charlie?

A: Let me look on my computer. That comes under the letter “N” for names. Let’s see, Uh..uh..uh.., YES, my name is Charlie.

_______________________________________

Q: Were you in Dave’s Bar & Grill the night of April 5th?

A: Let me look on my computer again. That comes under the letter “P” for places. Hold it, I’m pulling up the answer. Uh..uh..uh.., YES, I was in Dave’s Bar & Grill the night of April 5th.

_______________________________________

Q: Did you meet a lovely lady by the name of Judy?

A: Let see. That comes under the letter “A” for acquaintances. Uh.., YES, I did meet a lovely lady by the name of Judy.

_______________________________________

Q: Did you have dinner with her?

A: Let see. That comes under the letter “D” for dining. Uh.., YES, I did have dinner with her.

_______________________________________

Q: Did you and her go dancing?

A: That comes under the letter “E” for entertainment. Let me check my database. Uh.., YES, she and I did go dancing.

_______________________________________

Q: Did the two of you go to your house?

A: That comes under the letter “H” for houses. Uh.., YES, the two of us went to my house.

_______________________________________

Q: Did you have sex with her?

A: Let see. That comes under the letters “AP” for added pleasure. Let me check my database. Uh..uh..uh.., YES, I did have sex with her.

_______________________________________

Q: Well, did you know that I am her husband? And I DIDN”T LIKE IT!

A: Let see. That comes under the letter “O” for opinions. Let me check my database one last time.Uh..uh..uh.., Here’s the answer. I DIDN”T LIKE IT EITHER!

bill-clinton-first-man

 

 

When Bill Clinton was president, everyone knows what Hillary’s title was.

Now, Hillary Clinton is running for President. Suppose she’s elected. What will this mean for Bill.

Will Bill Clinton be known as the FIRST MAN?

 

gay-butcherThe other day, I needed some freshly cut rib eye steaks. I went to the grocery store where I always buy my steaks, and told the butcher what I wanted. Incidentally, the butcher is gay. I like the way he cuts rib eye’s, and that’s all, if you know what I mean. I could care less about his sexual orientation. I’m also not rattled by his sexual preferences. Basically, he’s a pretty good guy, so long as he remembers that I like women, and don’t like men the way he likes them.

I told him what I wanted, and asked if I could come pick them up later in the day. His response was,

“I’ll go ahead and cut these rib eye’s for you, and you can pick them up later. I won’t be here. I have to go to a wedding tonight. A friend of mine is getting married, and I have to be one of the bridesmaids.”

do-you-have-a-bathroomSaturday evening, I was entertaining some guests in my house. We grilled hot dogs and hamburgers, and drank Budweiser. A few of my guests were bold, and wanted the stronger stuff, so I got out the bottle of Jack Daniels.

After we ate, most of my guests were feeling pretty good. We all went out on the deck in the back of the house, and just let loose and acted like we all didn’t have a care in the world. We talked about stuff that didn’t mean a thing, but it sure was fun.

Later on, one of my guests asked the this question, “Do you have a bathroom?” This is how I answered him.

 

No, I don’t have a bathroom. I made an arrangement with the gas station on the corner. When they’re closed, I just go outside and piss in the back yard.


irsThe IRS Scam Artists are in rare form this time of the year

The last two years, many scammers have been calling people claiming to be Internal Revenue Service agents.

They’ll call you, say that you’re in trouble and threaten you. Then they tell you a policeman will call you back if you don’t cooperate. Finally, they ask you for money, and tell you where to send it. Some even have a side kick posing as a police officer. If you hang up, the sidekick will call back and threaten to come arrest you right away. Some may not even use a sidekick, and call you back with a disguised voice from the first call. Finally, if you are scared out of your pants, you just pay them.

DON’T DO THIS! HANG UP AND IGNORE IT!

The IRS does not operate this way

First of all, the real, true, one hundred percent IRS never calls anyone over the telephone. Second they never threaten anyone.

The IRS does not have to threaten you. All they have to do is send you a letter, say they’re the IRS, and you’re already threatened.

lawyers

1. They talk out of three sides of their mouths.

2. They promise that you will be OK. Then, when you are screwed, they say you were lucky because it could have been a lot worse.

3. They do what they want to do, and not what you want them to do.

4. Ask him a question, and you won’t get an answer, but you’ll get a bill.

5. If you’re sentenced to prison, he’ll take you out to eat, preach the Gospel, and remind you that it’s not Christian to neglect your debts. In other words, before you go away, he wants his money.

6. He’ll make you sign something without letting you read it. Otherwise, he’ll threaten not to represent you.

7. Whatever you hire them for, that’s their expertise, whether or not it is true.

8. They love to brag about how tight they are with the judges.

lawyer-cartoonsLawyers are wishy washy. Their egos get in the way. Face it! All you can say is that they’re just plain stupid.

If you have a lawyer, you have to pay him a large sum of money for his expert advice. You want to do something, but you don’t know if it is legal. Suppose you want to post a picture of two horses making love on Facebook, but don’t know if it is legal. You call your lawyer and ask, “Is is illegal to post a picture of two horses making love on Facebook?” His answer will be, “I’m not sure about that. Just to play it safe, you shouldn’t do it.”

You’re no better off than you were before, with one exception – YOU STILL HAVE TO PAY HIM.

lawyers

bath-tub

Don’t misunderstand me. I’m very clean. The reason I can’t stand to take a bath is because I want to stay clean.

I love taking a shower. It’s so refreshing. I feel so clean when I get out. The dirty water just goes down the drain. When you take a bath, the dirty water stays in the bath tub. That’s no good. It’s defeating the purpose. If I take a bath, I feel dirtier when I come out of the bath tub than I did when I went in.

There is one particular reason why I hate to take a bath. It’s very simple.

I refuse to wash my face with the same water that my ass is in.

the-ocd-workbookIf Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS) is known as Lou Gehrig’s Disease, then Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) has to be known as Howard Hughes’ Disease.

How do you know you have OCD?

Think about HELL for a moment. Don’t think of it as a place where there is fire. Think of it as a place where you have no freedom, but a lot of fear.

You are in a room, and you are a prisoner. Your fear will not let you do the things you want to do. It will also make you do the things you don’t want to do. The things that you want to do are pleasant. The things that you don’t want to do are unpleasant.

This room is HELL.

I just said you are in a room, and you are a prisoner. I said nothing about your being locked in this room. I also didn’t say that anyone was holding you prisoner.

Hell has a door. This door is unlocked. If you leave, no one is going to stop you. No one is going to hurt you. No one is going to come after you and make you come back. You are free to leave anytime you want.

BUT, You Don’t Dare Leave. You are much too afraid.

This is how you know you have OCD.

Here’s another way you know you have OCD

ocd

How many times do you do this each day?


maxreduceThe 5 worst foods you can eat taste great but they won’t send you to the doctor. Instead, they might send you to the undertaker.

These foods taste great, and are hard to resist. But they are very unhealthy, and very fattening. If you’re health conscious, you probably want to reduce the fat. Eating these foods every day could eventually kill you, and I sure don’t want that to happen.

 

 

5 Worst Foods You Should Stay Away From

There are more than five that are no good for you, but these 5 are the worst foods you can eat:

1. DONUTS

5 worst foods

They taste good, but this is the only good thing about donuts. They are fried in oil, which makes them very hard to digest. Some of these treats have fillings, such as, cream filling and fruit filling. They taste great, but there is no nutrition.

2. HOT DOGS

5 worst foods

I love ’em. I would be Un-American if I didn’t. At a baseball game, it is a spectator’s sacred duty to have a hot dog and a beer. And they do taste very good. But they are not good for you. It is the wiener that makes them taste so good. If you ever take a good look at the ingredients in wieners, you would never eat hot dogs again. They are made from animal guts that should have been thrown away and fed to the rats.

3. BACON

5 worst foods

In the Summertime, the best sandwich is the Bacon Lettuce and Tomato sandwich (BLT). Take away the the bacon, and this is a healthy sandwich, but without the bacon, it sucks. Bacon tastes good, but it is nothing but a piece of fat.

4. FRIED CHICKEN

5 worst foods

Again, I love it. It tastes great. So do millions of other people. But it is very hard to digest. Have you ever tried taking a dump after eating fried chicken? It is next to impossible.

5. CHEESE

5 worst foods

If you ever made cheese, or saw how it is made, you would never eat it again. It is nothing but pure milk fat. And if you think fried chicken causes problems, try taking a dump after eating cheese. I feels like a cork has been stuck up your rear end. In fact, another name for cheese is Choke ’em Ass.

I would like to throw in another tasty treat, for good measure.

BEEF JERKY

5 worst foods

Unless you have a cast-iron stomach, don’t eat this crap. If you do, you may taste it for the next 5 days.

procrastination-on-purposeA better way to label procrastination is to call it a paradox. I know all about paradoxes. When I was in grammar school, I had a vocabulary test, and missed the word, paradox. The nun hit me with the paddle. I just wish she had been a procrastinator. If you missed the same question, allow me to give you one painful definition I’ll never forget as long as I live. A paradox is, simply stated, a seeming contradiction. Thanks to those three words, I couldn’t sit down for a week. I’ll take them to my grave.

Procrastination – The paradox of all paradoxes

It is the ultimate paradox. and/or, mystery.

There are many types of problems people have. Some people do something too much. Some people smoke too much. Some drink too much. People who are overweight have a problem because they eat too much. Some women are nymphomaniac‘s because they like to have sex too much. Some people have anger management problems because they lose their temper too much.

How do you solve these problems? Simple! Don’t do something! Don’t smoke too much. Don’t drink too much. Don’t eat, screw, or fly off the handle too much. In other words, to solve most problems, stop doing what you’re doing.

Nevertheless, procrastination is the ultimate paradox.

How can you solve your procrastination problem? You can’t stop doing what you’re doing, because you’re not doing a darn thing in the first place.

mind-gamesEvery time you ask someone a question, give them your answer to the question before you ask it. Then, when you ask them the question, get them to agree with you by nodding your head with a smile and a serious look on your face. Be very convincing, and this will get to the person you’re asking.

People will think they agree with you , whether or not they would have agreed in the first place.

They probably will not change their minds, because you have programmed them to think the same way you think.

This works every time. Try this with your better half.

the-ungameSuppose you’re sitting around drinking with a group of friends. You all are starting to feel pretty good. Then, some of the guys get a little drunk. Try to stay as  sober as you can. If you’re not too drunk, but the rest of your friends are, try this.

Auction off a dollar bill

Hold up a dollar bill and say, “What do you bid for this brand new one dollar bill?” Make it clear that the highest bidder wins the dollar bill. Also, make it clear that the second and third place bidders still have to honor their bids. Add this in, just to blow their minds. Then, just sit back, relax, and watch the bidding go from pennies to four or five dollars.

You’ll see very quickly how your friends forget the value of the dollar.

therapy-the-gameIf you want to program someone’s mind, here’s a nice little psychology game you can play with them. You can make them say what you want them to say. Try the following. It works like a charm.

While engaging in a conversation with the person whose mind you want to program, pick a word or phrase that they repeat more than once, but not to the extreme. Here are a few common phrase or words people say and repeat, just to give you an idea.

  • At the end of the day . . .
  • You know . . .
  • Basically . . .
  • OK . . .
  • Well . . .

Or, you can just pick any word. It can just be a common word. The less powerful the word is, the better, and the more fun you will have with this.

Next, every time they say the word you’ve picked, nod, smile and give some kind of positive affirmation. Go all out on your response.

Finally, watch how they will say the word all of the time. Continue with your response and see if they notice what you are doing.

al-sharptonAl Sharpton has already started running his mouth about the fatal shooting of Walter Scott by South Carolina cop, Michael Slager. He is already calling for Federal Police Laws.

Stay out of it Al. It’s not a race issue unless you make in one

This is a humanity issue, not a race issue. Anytime someone is killed in cold blood, the way that Officer Slager killed Walter Scott, they will get what’s due to them. At least, they will get their due punishment if you leave them alone an let them do their jobs.

Al, if you get involved, you’re going to make it a race issue. You’re going to piss the police department off, and provoke nothing but trouble for everyone. Is this what you want? Wow, what a silly question! Everyone knows the answer to this question.

My recommendation to you, Al, is that you leave it alone, and let them handle it the way it’s supposed to be handled. The video is cut and dry. The guy is guilty of cold blooded murder. If you just stay the hell out of it, the end result will be to everyone’s satisfaction, except yours, of course. If you don’t leave it alone, you’re going to cause problems, and provoke another racial war. I ask you again, “Is this what you want?”

Al, leave it alone. It will be dealt with the right way, unless you interfere. You should be more concerned about the $50 million dollars you own the government in back taxes.

michael-slager-walter-scott

Unless you’ve been in isolation the past 24 hours, you’ve seen the video that is blasted all over the Country. Just in case you missed it, you can see it at the end of this short article.

South Carolina shooting – Here we go again

The two other recent incidents left questions unanswered. No one knows exactly what happened during the Michael Brown shooting in Ferguson, MO. We’ll never know the whole story in the George Zimmerman incident. This time, there are no questions unanswered. This is WYSIWYG from the word go (What You See Is What You Get).

The fatal shooting of Walter Scott by South Carolina police officer Michael Slager is cut and dry. There is absolutely no way anyone could question this. This was just plain cold blooded murder.

Get ready. This is all you’ll be hearing about on the news for the next week. Nancy Grace hasn’t even started on Officer Strager. When she does, she’ll tear him a new one. Even the police chief wants a piece of his ass.

Officer Slager, there’s no way out of this, Son. YOUR GOOSE IS COOKED.

WARNING! You must have a strong stomach before watching this video.

If you’re on a strict work schedule, the week was almost a total loss. It was no accident that this week was ruined for many people.

Who Ruined the week before Easter?

Was it Pontius Pilate?

easterWas it that ruthless bastard, Pontius Pilate, who ruined this week? This guy was lazy. Somebody else did his work for him. This lazy prosecutor, like so many, had all of the facts handed over to him on a silver platter. All he had to do was make a decision and tell other people what to do. Like so many attorneys and legal counselors, he did not have to think. I wonder if he even knew how to think.

Was it Judas Iscariot?

easter

Was it that no count snitch, Judas Iscariot who ruined this week? Consider the facts. Judas was a business man. He loved money. Like so many ruthless business men, he was willing to sell out his best friend just to make a few quick bucks.

Was it King Herod?

easter

That sorry bastard was not going to rest until all of the oldest boys in every family were put to death. What did King Herod have against boys? Did they ever do anything to him? Perhaps this is why Catholic Priests like little boys so much. This may be their way of rebelling against King Herod.

archie-bunker-fred-sanford

Fred was a bit more sarcastic than insulting most of the time. When he insulted Lamont, Esther, Rollo, Julio and others, they insulted him back. Fred didn’t get mad at them. He seemed to take it all in good humor. Deep down, Fred liked to insult people because he thought it was fun. The people he insulted obviously thought it was in fun and good humor, because they kept coming back for more. Also, they loved insulting him back. Fred could dish it out, but he could also take it like a man. He seemed like the kind of guy who would have to insult you to show that he liked you. Many times, he showed more of a good side to his personality. Also, Fred used a lot of hand gestures, which were funny. For example, he waved his hand from side to side instead of calling gay’s what they were – GAY. The bad side of Fred was not necessarily his personality as a racist. Fred was just plain lazy, and didn’t want to do anything. Instead, he wanted others to do it for him.

Archie was not a lazy man. He was a working man who supported his wife and family, although he complained about having to support the Meat Head. But what made Archie different from Fred was the old double standard. I can insult you, but don’t you dare insult me. When Archie insulted people, he had that look of terror in his eyes, which was like a wolf ready to attack its victim. You know that he meant what he said. Archie not only insulted people’s race and nationality. He also insulted their religious and political beliefs.

The characters were different

Redd Foxx was a natural comedian. Therefore, he was better at portraying this type of character, and it showed on the screen. He had friends like Grady, Bubba, Skillet and Melvin to compliment his role as a comedian. Fred was the main man, but these guys were just as funny.

Carroll O’Connor was more a dramatic actor than a comedian. He seemed like he had to adapt himself to play this type of role. Many times, Archie seemed like a fish out of water.

All In The Family: The Complete Series

by Shout! Factory
Price: $125.26

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Sanford and Son: The Complete Series (Slim Packaging)

by Sony Pictures Home Entertainment
Price: $28.08

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best-pet-careYou’ve probably taught your dog commands like sit and stay. There is a another command that is rare, but most important.

The Cops are Here – HIDE

Train your dog to understand the command, The cops are here. Then, train your dog to go hide in a particular place like under a table, under a bed or behind the couch, and to stay there until you come to tell it it’s alright to come out.

Many cops are trigger happy and will shoot a dog in a heartbeat. There is no one to blame, It just happens. The cops surely are not going to take the blame. When it’s all over, the cop won’t give it a second thought.

This can be avoided. If you love your dog (and what’s not to love about a dog?) train it to react when the cops are around. It might save your dog’s life some day!

crazy-peopleSometimes, people struggle with an identity crisis. When this happens to them, they think that they have turned into a crazy person. If you are one of these, don’t believe it. You are not crazy. Most likely, some of the people you have been hanging around are the ones who are crazy.

When you hang around crazy people, they try to make you think you are crazy too.


colonel-sandersI want to challenge you.

If you have failed more than once, but are still trying, I want to know what it is that makes you keep trying. It is very important to me that I know this. Read this very short article, and then let me know by sending me a comment. I am very interested in hearing what you have to say.

First, consider these facts

•  Sylvester Stalone’s story of Rocky was rejected 1,500 times.

•  Ted Williams had a lifetime batting average of 344. This means that the greatest hitter of all time failed 656 times.

•  Colonel Sanders‘ secret recipe for fried chicken was rejected 1,009 times.

•  Thomas Edison created over 10,000 light bulbs that didn’t work.

•  Michael Jordan missed over 300 shots that would have won the game during his career. Early in his career, he was cut from his high school basketball team.

•  Mark Cuban, Owner of the Dallas Mavericks, spent many days eating mustard and ketchup sandwiches.

•  Abraham Lincoln failed in business many times, and lost many elections.

•  Henry Ford went broke 5 times before he founded the Ford Motor Company.

•  R.H. Macy had 7 business failures.

•  Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard and failed at his first attempt in business.

•  Walt Disney was once fired by a newspaper because “he lacked imagination and had no good ideas.”

•  Oprah Winfrey was fired from her job as a television reporter because she was “unfit for tv.”

•  Harrison Ford was told by the movie executives that he didn’t have what it takes to be a star.

•  In 1954, Jimmy Denny, manager of the Grand Ole Opry, fired Elvis Presley after just one performance telling him, “You ain’t going nowhere, son. You ought to go back to driving a truck.”

What do all these people have in common?

They failed many times, but had the courage and the heart to keep trying.

What else do all these people have in common?

They were all successful because they failed. You won’t be successful unless you fail.

Failure Means Nothing

If you fail, big deal! The best way to get even with failure is to keep trying. Fail 100 times, but don’t worry about it. Just keep trying. It will work.

Succeed one time, and the previous 100 failures mean nothing, because, YOU ARE SET FOR LIFE.

Rocky: The Undisputed Collection (Rocky / Rocky II / Rocky III / Rocky IV / Rocky V / Rocky Balboa) [Blu-ray]

by 20th Century Fox
Price: $32.81

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march-madness

Kentucky fans riot after loss to Wisconsin

As you might expect, Kentucky fans did not take the loss to Wisconsin very well. They took to the streets in Lexington, Kentucky, and set things on fire. March Madness means they are mad after blowing their perfect season. Alabama football fans have always compared themselves to Kentucky basketball fans. The questions over the years have been, Which Fans are Better?”, and Which Fans are Worse?”. Well, in all fairness to Alabama football fans (as well as other die hard Alabama boosters), they don’t set fire on things after a loss. Instead, they take away the football team from another University in the state.

Wisconsin’s Frank Kaminsky tweeted ‘I hate Kentucky’

Wisconsin’s Frank Kaminsky did not hide the way he feels about Kentucky. On April 22, 2011, the most valuable player Tweeted, I hate Kentucky. Some dedicated fan dug up the Tweet before the rematch last night, probably to make the Wisconsin wizard MAD. Thus, the reason it is called March Madness.

March Madness is the right name. Just see the results

Some synonyms for madness are: craziness, lunacy, foolishness, delusion, stupidity, absurdity, irrationality, mental disorder, psychosis, etc. The list goes on and on, and it’s not pretty.

Whatever happened to sportsmanship. But I suppose if it’s called March Madness, fans feel obligated to make sure the event lives up to its name.

public-bathroomI don’t like to use a public bathroom if I don’t have to. I’d like to know who was sitting on that particular John before me. But sometimes this can’t be helped. If you got to go, you’ve got to go.

Public of Private – I like privacy

So, how does this compare with hell? It’s simple. When I go, I like to have some privacy. I don’t like to do my business knowing that there is someone else in the room. The hell is having to hold it until the other person leaves, especially when I really have to go bad. When they leave, then I can start my business. If someone else comes in during my business, this can’t be helped. But at least the business has been started and it’s almost over.

 

The problem of youth and public bathrooms

I thought I was the only person who had the problem I am about to tell you, but over the years, I discovered that many people had the same problem.

The problem was, not being able to pee in a public bathroom unless I was alone. I had this problem when I was in high school and college, and it really bothered me. I kept asking myself, “Am I Crazy?” Then, I found out I was not so crazy after all. Several years ago, I saw a copy of Hustler Magazine. This was a once in a lifetime experience, meaning, I have not seen the magazine since, and probably will not see it again. I don’t even know if it’s still around. But anyhow, I read the Letters to Hustler, and discovered a letter from someone who experienced the same problem. The letter began with,

Dear Hustler,

I can’t pee in a public bathroom unless I am by myself. . . .

If I hadn’t’ known different, I would have thought I wrote the letter. But the letter did give me the all important answer to a question I had been asking myself before reading this letter. The answer was,

No, I am not crazy.

batIn January of this year, I had an unexpected, and definitely uninvited house guest.

It was not funny at the time, but it is funny now that it’s over – I HOPE.

I had to store some things in my attic one night, so I opened the ceiling door leading to the attic. After I was finished, I noticed an unexpected house guest, flying around in my living room. At first, I thought it was a bird. After a closer look, I said to myself, “That’s no bird. That’s a blasted BAT!”

He came in from the attic. I’m afraid that he has some friends up there.

I didn’t know what to do. This sort of thing just doesn’t happen every day. So, I call 911, and asked them what I should do. I told the lady who answered that I had a bat in my house, and asked her what I should do. She said, “Don’t kill it.” I said, “Like HELL I WON’T!” Then she said, “It’s against the law to kill a bat because it’s an endangered species.” Then I said, “OK, but if that thing bites me on the neck, and I wake up tomorrow night as a vampire, I am coming to the police station to bite your neck.” She laughed, but I was not laughing.

She went to to say that she was sending someone to my house. I said that wasn’t necessary, and told her to just tell me what to do. She said that the policemen could tell me when they arrive. Two cops were at my house in 30 seconds. I said, “Come on in, gentlemen.” One of the cops said, “No, I don’t think I need to. There’s nothing I can do.” I asked him, “What’s the matter, Son? You’re not afraid, are you?” He said, “No.” I said, “Then come on in”, and he said “I’d rather not.”

Then I asked him, “What do I need to do?”

His answer was, “Search it on Google!”

At first, I laughed. Then, I took his advice. So, I searched Google, and was led to WikiHow‘s advice on How to Catch a Bat in Your House. I followed Step 10. I opened the back door, turned on the outside deck light, went to sleep on the couch, and nearly froze my butt off. He must have flown out the backdoor while I was half dozed off, because I have not seen the little intruder since.

cable-tv

Don’t text while you’re crossing the street either. The idiot who drives by may be texting too.

When you call Customer Service, it’s because you’re pissed. After calling them, you’re more pissed.

This happens all the time, but more often with cable or satellite TV Companies.

For some strange reason, the TV likes to go on the brink at least twice a day. Most Companies offer a package deal, with the TV, phone and internet in one plan. Oh, that’s great. If one goes, they all go. It’s like being cut off from the world.

customer-serviceIt goes out. Now you have to call Customer Service. But how? You phone is out too. Oh, I forgot. You probably have a smart phone. The phone is smarter than you. Otherwise, this would be the only phone you have.

When you call customer service under these circumstances, you are already pissed, because their product sucks. If you use the same company I once used, calling them to fix the problem is a nightmare. They don’t want to talk to you, which makes you even more pissed. So this is what you have to go through every time you call them.

 

12 Ways Customer Service pisses you off

1) A recorded voice says, “Welcome to Name of Cable Company.”

2) You hear a recording of a woman speaking Spanish. Now, some are asking if you speak French.

3) Then, you wait, try to be patient, and then you hear the first voice ask the question, “I see you’re calling from, 123-456-7890. Is that the number listed on your Name of Cable Company account?”

4) Remember, you are calling them because there is a problem, which means, your phone is not working. If you don’t have a cell phone, then you are SOL. If this is the case, and you made it this far, you probably had to get in your car and go to the nearest pay phone, if you were lucky enough to find one, and call them. Then, as you are getting more pissed by the minute, the voice says, “Please say or enter the area code and the phone number listed on your account.”

5) You enter the number, but nothing happens. If you enter the pound sign (#), you will get a response. But the voice never told you to enter the damn pound sign. At this point, you are about to reach your maximum level of being pissed.

6) Now, you can enter the number and finally get help, so you think. But then, you will hear the voice say, “Stop texting while driving. Take the pledge at itcanwait.com.” Now, you are beyond pissed. Granted, it is not a good idea to text while driving, but this is not the time or place to give me a lecture on safety.

7) The voice then says, “Briefly tell me what the problem is.” By this time you have forgotten the problem. All you can say is, “My service is out.”

8) Then, the voice will give you a list of options, and none of them will match the problem you have. So you say, “Let me speak to someone, please.”

9) The voice says, “Sorry I did not get that.” Again, you will be given another list of options.

11) You will go through this maze of asking to speak to someone, and getting a list of options about 3 more times. Finally, the voice will say, “Wait, I’ll get someone.” The sound of the recorded voice is of a woman who is pissed. But who is she to get pissed. I’m the one who’s pissed, thanks to her.

12) This is the kicker. When you finally get through to someone, 90 per cent of the time, the agent will say, “Sorry, I can’t help you.”

After you go through this process, you want to tell them what they can do, and where they can go, but you don’t take the risk. Otherwise, they will cut off your service, and you will be worse off than you were before.

Usually, when the voice tells me to “Stop Texting and Driving”, I usually say, “Mind Your Own Business”.

One last piece of advice – Don’t text while crossing the street. The guy driving by might be texting while driving.

 

 

do-people-like-youIf you have an inferiority complex, you probably go around all the time and say to yourself, “I wonder if people like me.” If you do, there is a reason. Perhaps you think you are ugly. Maybe you think you are stupid. Maybe you think you are worthless. Maybe these things are true. But that’s what you believe. Change your beliefs.

Turn the table on these idiots

The fact is, WHO GIVES A DAMN? You’re better than the people who don’t like you.

The question is, WHY SHOULD YOU GIVE A DAMN? You know you’re better than the people who don’t like you.

Instead of going around whining, moaning, bitching and complaining about whether or not people like you, you should say something else to yourself:

“I wonder if I like them.”

why-people-drinkI like to drink because I’m a connoisseur. But not everyone who drinks is a connoisseur. Some are drunks, some like to have a good time, and then there are some who think they need to drink.

10 Reasons Why people drink

People drink for one or more of the following 10 reasons:

  • They don’t have enough money
  • They’ve lost the love of their life
  • They’ve lost their jobs or business
  • They are compulsive worrywarts, and drinking helps them escape
  • They think nobody likes them
  • They can’t handle the challenges life throws at them
  • They have obsessive compulsive disorder (Howard Hughes disease) and they drink to keep from driving themselves crazy
  • They’re trying too hard not to fail instead of trying to succeed, and the result is, they screw up
  • They’ve lost their sex drive, or their ability to get it on in the saddle
  • They are hypochondriacs and drinking gets their mind off the thought that they think they’re dying all the time

The real reason people drink

People drink and get drunk because they do some crazy shit when they are sober.

cinderellaYou’ve often heard of the Cinderella Stories. A girl who has never been out of the hot house meets the man of her dreams, marries him, and lives happily ever after. A basketball team enters the NCAA tournament as a 14th seed, gets into the Final Four, and wins the championship.

These are some real Cinderella Stories, or fairy tale stories. They are all around us, but they don’t work quite the same way as what you read in books or see in movies. Here are some bazaar fairy tale stories that were, could have been and never were..

Fairy Tale Stories from real life

Michael Jordan was about to sign with Adidas, but the Shoe Company turned him down because he was too short. Were they serious? I’d like to say they were crazy. This paved the way for Nike. Under the circumstances, Nike is a real Cinderella Story. They could have been like Adidas. Unfortunately for Adidas, this was a botched Fairy Tale story.

A guy who was sleeping in his car six months ago goes on Shark Tank, and Robert Herjavec offers him a million dollars for his Company. He turned him down. This is another botched Fairy Tale Story, a Fairy Tale Story turned sour.

shark-tank

Ronald Wayne, known as the unluckiest man in the world, sold his ten percent interest in Apple 12 days after co-founding the Company. It’s worth $35 billion today. This is not a botched Fairy Tale Story . It’s a Fairy Tale Story that never was, and was not meant to be.

The Ultimate Fairy Tale Story

There is no such thing as a Fairy Tale story. Face the fact. It’s only in books and movies.

If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are, you’re DRUNK.