We will continue to share the better ones with you.
We received the following email yesterday from the Father of a 19 year old boy.
| I saw my 19 year old son kissing his best friend on the mouth. I know that boys have been known to kiss each other before. I remember when Michael Corleone kissed his brother in The Godfather, and those two guys were definitely not gay.
I am worried that he may possibly be a homosexual. Is there a definite way I can tell. I want to be sure. He’s only 19.
This was our response to this concerned Father’s email.
| When Michael kissed his brother Sonny in The Godfather, it was on the cheek. Italians used to do this, and it had nothing to be with sexual orientation. I’ve never seen an Italian man kiss another man on the mouth. This is not looking too good.
Surely you don’t want me to answer this question, and tell you what I believe. I don’t think it will be what you want to hear.
I asked him, “Does this happen all the time?” He explained that she is one of the cleanest girls he knows. However, when they start to cuddle, she unleashes a very unpleasant odor that is coming from between her legs. He went on to say that before doing anything, he has seen her clean herself thoroughly. Then, when they start to get romantic, she starts smelling again.
If a girl smells, there’s nothing anyone can do about it. I had to think long and hard on how to answer him. After much thought, the only advice I could give him was,
Buy a bottle of Syrup of ipecac. Drink it before having sex. Then, when you throw up, maybe she’ll get the message.
How do I successfully become a Justin Bieber fan?
I would like to become a Justin Bieber fan. Presently, I am a Jack Norris fan, but I would like to switch to Justin Bieber. Can I successfully achieve this goal? Thanks.
Lose all brain functions. Possibly sustain a pretty substantial blow to the head.
At the reunion, the kid’s mother, who didn’t know he was gay, asked him to go tell the rest of the family that dinner would be ready shortly. He did what his mother asked him to do.
While walking back into the kitchen, his mother and father were standing there. His mother asked him, “Did you tell them?” She was referring to the dinner, and the kid said, “Yes.” His father’s face was suddenly brightened. He said “Son, I am so proud of you!” This thoroughly confused his mother.
His father then dragged him into another room and said, “Yes, everyone, my son is gay. And if you have a problem with it, you can answer to me.”
His mother and grandmother both fainted.
Suppose a macho man, a ladies man, a straight man about the age of 24 suddenly gets the calling from above that he wants to be a Catholic priest. Crazy things like this happens to the most unsuspecting. He decides to study at the Seminary. Furthermore, he wants to attend the Seminary in New Orleans, where the majority of the students in the community are gay, alcoholic or both.
This guy is in for a treat. In two years, which would be worse for his parents to handle?
He has become an alcoholic, or, he has become gay.
I have no problem with them and the choice they’ve made. It’s their business, as long as they keep it to themselves and don’t try to get into my pants. But sometimes, a gay will try to feel you out, just to see if you are one of them. If you let them know you’re not interested, and you are straight, they suddenly become hostile and heartless as hell. They don’t want to give you the time of day. For this reason, I don’t particularly like being around them.
I’m not prejudice against gays. What they are is their business, not mine. But I don’t like being around them, and I have given a very good reason.
On the other hand, lesbians are a different matter altogether. I have no problem with lesbians. The reason is, lesbians like the same thing I like. And by the way, I am a man. And being a man, and being interested in the same thing that lesbians are interested in, I have to conclude:
In a way, I guess I would be considered a lesbian.
Here is the exact definition of sexual harassment from the Equal Opportunity Employment Commission:
Requests for Sexual Favors
This is a little vague, don’t you think? How do we know that the employee doesn’t say something to the employer, such as, “If you give me a big raise, I’ll go to bed with you?” We don’t. But the pissed off employee can turn in the boss for sexual harassment if he or she doesn’t get the raise. And as usual, it’s the employee’s neck.
Other verbal or physical conduct of a Sexual Nature
Suppose a man has a sexy boss, and wants special job privileges. If the man turns in the boss for sexual harassment because she denies those special privileges, her goose is cooked, no matter what the situation. How do we know the guy didn’t grab her tits?
Term or condition of the individual’s employment
Suppose an employer is in the modeling business. He wants to hire a model who is hot stuff, and in big demand. This model can easily imply, Hey pal, you need me more than I need you. What’s it worth to you? In this case, the boss could be the target of a set up.
On the other hand, suppose a model is just starting out, and really wants the job to further his or her career. The boss really doesn’t want to take a chance with an unknown. In this case, the model could imply, Hire me, and I’ll do all those good things you like, between the sheets. The boss says, “No dice!”
You get the point? Sometimes it’s not the boss’s fault, but it’s always the boss’s ass.
It’s all right to carry a case filled with sharp knives. They teach people how to take a knife, and cut a whole animal into small pieces. They also show students how to sprinkle pepper on animals.
But they don’t allow pepper spray because it’s too dangerous.
GET DOWN! The Russians are coming
I once had a Great Aunt, on my Father’s side. She was a very sweat lady, and I loved her with all my heart. I would have done anything for her. However, she was crazy. She was my Grandmother’s sister – the Grandmother who was nuts. Like my Grandmother, she constantly had panic attacks. Unlike my Grandmother, her panic attacks were real, while my Grandmother was just putting on a show. What I’m about to share with you is something you almost had to see to believe. But this is exactly the way it happened.
Several years ago, I went to visit my Great Aunt. The minute I walked through the door, she screamed,
QUICK! GET DOWN! THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING. THEY’RE GONNA GET US!
I said, “WHAT ??????? Are you serious? How can you tell?”
She pointed to the TV screen and said, “That’s how I can communicate with them, and that’s how I know they are coming. I can see ‘em!”
Immediately, I got the heck out of that house as fast as I could. A few weeks later, she entered the Sanitarium. They must have performed wonders on her. She was released a few years later, and was still high strung, but not crazy. She had a problem, but it was corrected. I had the opportunity to spend a little time with her before she passed away. I do miss her. If I were to say that she brought a little entertainment to my life, it would be an understatement.
It was not funny at the time, but as I look back and think about it, I can’t help but laugh.
The were both sweet ladies. I loved them both, but one of them constantly had panic attacks. Face it. She was my Grandmother, but she was just plain nuts. She was the Grandmother on my Father’s side, which made her my Mother’s Mother-in-Law.
I have asked my Mother several times, “Do you think Grandmother on Daddy’s side was nuts?” Her response is always the same, “I’m not going to say.” Then, I always respond, “You know she was, but you won’t say.” Again, she responds, “I’m not going to say.”
Today, I asked my Mother, “Do you think I’m nuts?” She responded, “I don’t think you’re nuts. I know you’re nuts.” Then, I said to her,
You won’t say that Grandma on Daddy’s side of the family was nuts, but you’ll say I’m nuts. She was your Mother-in-Law, but I’m your own flesh and blood.
Where the games are played
Golf is played outdoors. The game is played on a golf course, which is hundreds of acres of land. Some golf courses are surrounded by trees and forests. With this much land available, there are plenty of places to hide. This is the kind of setting where you are likely to find thieves, cut-throats, robbers, gangsters and other such colorful characters.
Pool is played indoors. Pool tournaments are played in some of the swankiest hotels in the world. These hotels are resorts, where the rich and famous vacation every year. Some professional pool players still participate, all dressed up in tuxedos. This is nostalgic, and a reminder of the old days. This type of activity attracts aristocrats, high society, business people, successful people and pillars of the community.
The people who play the games
Many people, of all walks of life, play pool. Many people, both blue collar and white collar workers play golf.
In spite of where the games are played, and who hangs out in these places, the two games are associated with two entirely different groups of people.
Golf, which is played where cut-throats and gangster are likely to hang out, is associated with the aristocrats, high society, business people, successful people and pillars of the community.
On the other hand, pool, which is played where the upper class is likely to hang out, is associated with thieves, cut-throats, robbers, gangsters, safe crackers and other such colorful characters.
Shouldn’t this be the other way around?
The three most popular sports are, Football, Baseball and Basketball. To many, these are the only activities that should be considered Sports.
There are some things in these three sports that make absolutely no sense. These are crazy, weird and bazaar. But remember, this is Merjeo, where everything is crazy, weird and bazaar.
This is a great sport, and one that generates the largest audience of the entire year. This is on Super Sunday? There are, however, some things about football that make no sense.
The name of the sport is football. This is misleading, because only two players are allowed to use their foot – the kicker and the punter. They are very seldom in the game. If anyone else uses their foot, it will cost their team 15 yards. The object of the game is to hit the player with the ball. Therefore, the name should be changed to hitball.
Football is a man’s game. It’s not knitting or basket weaving. The guy with the ball is going to get his bell rung, and that’s the way it is. Therefore, the fair catch should not be allowed. If a player calls for a fair catch, he is pleading with the other team not to hit him, which defeats the purpose of the game.
Football’s overtime rule is all wrong. In the event of a tie, there should be an extra 15 minute quarter. Whoever is ahead at the end of this quarter wins. If there’s still a tie, do it again. If players complain because they are tired, TOO BAD! They should have won the game when they had the chance.
All right! Our National Past time!
With baseball, the name is right, but it defies the object of the game, which is to get to home plate. Baseball has first base, second base, third base and home plate. Change the name of home plate to home base, and this problem is solved.
When a batter is hit by a pitch, he is awarded first base, and all is forgotten. This is all wrong. When this happens, the batter should be awarded all four bases, and a run scored. The same applies to anyone who is on base. Then, the pitcher should be warned. If he hits another batter, the same rule applies, and the pitcher is thrown out of the game. Just think about it. A batter can come up with the bases loaded. Instead of hitting a grand slam, and grand slam could hit him.
This game is named correctly, because the object of the game is to get the ball in the basket. But there are two problems with the game.
The pros have a 24 second shot clock, which is OK. But the 35 second shot clock in college is too long. College players are younger and should be faster. Change the shot clock to 24 seconds. An even better idea would be to change the shot clock to 20 seconds in pro and college. Then you would see some serious fast breaks instead of that crappy slow down basketball, which is chicken basketball.
The only other problem with the game has nothing to do with the game itself. It’s the way the coaches dress. Most basketball coaches look like they stepped out of Brooks Brothers. Coaching is stressful. Why don’t they dress more comfortable? They are not going to church, a funeral or a formal dinner party. They are coaching a frickin basketball game. Football coaches dress like they are going to the golf course, which is comfortable. Baseball managers dress the same way as the players, which is appropriate. After all, you would not expect a basketball coach to wear shorts and a tank top. A football coach should not be expected to wear pads and a helmet. He is not the one getting his butt kicked.
Here are some ways he will come after you, and how you can stop it right away.
What he does: He will criticize you and put you down in front of others. He’ll tell you that you are always wrong and he’s always right. He’ll ignore you when you try to talk to him.
What you should do: Don’t complain. Otherwise, he will just say, “I was just joking. You’re too sensitive.” What a horse’s ass! When he criticizes the way you are, just say, “You damned right! That’s the way I am. I love who I am and wouldn’t have it any other way.” If there are other people around, don’t be embarrassed. They will admire and respect you for standing up to him. They will agree with me – he’s a horse’s ass.
When he tells you that you are wrong and he is right, just smile and say, “You are one hundred percent right. Man, you are the greatest.” This will blow his mind. He won’t be able to say another word.
If he ignores you, so what? Who cares? In summary, agree with him, do it with a smile, and this will stop his humiliation. He does not like to be challenged. Challenge him, in a very tactful way, and this will stop it.
What someone did: When I was younger, someone constantly tried to put me on a guild trip. Every time I used the word “I” in a sentence, he would say, “I, I, I. That’s all you say. You are the most egotistical person I know. All you care about is your own G__ D_____ self!”
What I did: The first few times this happened, I wanted to go somewhere and hide. Then, I wised up. The last time he said this to me, I said, “You damned right! I am egotistical. I, I, I, I! Get used to it because you’ll be hearing it from now on. I’m going to keep saying “I” because I love who I am. If you don’t, that’s your problem.” He never criticized me for saying “I” again.
Someone who emotionally abuses you feels the need to think he is big stuff, while deep down, he know he’s not jack s__t. Just smile at him. Agree with him. Let him know that you are happy and content with who and what you are. This takes away his domination and control over you. He would not have had this in the first place if you hadn’t allowed it. Now, you’ve called his bluff. You’ve challenged him. You’ve turned the tables. You’ve humiliated him. And he does not like it. Too damned bad! Do you think he’ll come after you again and let you humiliate him again? Not a chance!
He’s not going to hit you. He’s nothing but talk. His only weapon is his big mouth. You’ve taken this away from him. If he comes after you again, he’s got balls. But don’t worry. He won’t. You’ve ended it. Great job.
The most important thing is, DON’T let him or anyone make you feel bad about yourself. You know who you are, and you know better.
I just saved you about $500. That’s what a psychiatrist would have charged you for an hour of his time. I’m no psychiatrist, but I have been an abusee. There’s no substitute for experience. But let’s get something straight. You’re not the one who needs a psychiatrist. He is.
It is what it is. I love who I am. That’s the way it is, my way. If you don’t like MY WAY, take the HI WAY!
1. When someone asks you to do something, no matter what it is, ask, “What would you like to drink with that?”
2. Every time you write a check, write in the Memo Field, “For Cocaine.”
3. When you ride an elevator with someone you are with, point to them and ask, “Would you like to pull my finger?”
4. If you are out shopping with your wife, briefly separate yourself from her. Then, walk up to her, casually, and say, “I’ve been watching you from the other side of the store. You’re cute. Would you like to go some place where we can be alone and just make out?”
5. When you eat in a restaurant, and the waitress asks what you want to drink, tell her, with a serious face, “I’d like diet water please.”
6. The next time you get stuck in a elevator, and there are other people in there, act like you are having a highly emotional panic attack.
7. When someone takes your fast food order from the drive through window, say to them, “This order’s to go.”
8. You’re standing in line at at bank, or anywhere there is a lot of people around. Suddenly, you see a very good friend in the line. This is someone you trust, someone with a sense of humor, and someone you have joked with many times. Hit your hand with the fist from your other hand, and say to him, “It’s time we finished this once and for all. Come on.”
9. When someone invites you to a party, call them three days in advance and say, “I’m sorry. I won’t be able to attend your party. I have a headache.”
10. Call a theater that only shows pornographic movies (xxx-rated) and ask, “What’s the price of admission for children?”
BONUS Here’s one more, as an added bonus. When you go to a drugstore to buy condoms, ask the clerk, “Where’s the fitting room?”
First, decorate your bedroom to look like a classroom.
This second thing you can do works even better. Decorate your bedroom so that it resembles a church. Contact Fathead and ask them if they can make you a wall poster of Jack Van Impe. Hang it on the wall where you can see it while lying in bed.
You’ll never have problems falling asleep again.
If you do this, you’d better hope your dentist has a sense of humor. If he doesn’t, he might extract your tongue instead of your tooth.
How a man can please a woman
- Tell her you love her
- Wine her and Dine her
- Tell her she’s beautiful at least 20 times a day
- Tell her you’d die for her
- Buy her jewelry
- Send her flowers
- Every so often, spring a pleasant surprise on her
- Be interested in whatever she is interested in
- Be interested in anything she has to say
- Spend time with her instead of watching the Final Four
How a woman can please a man
- Show up naked
- Bring the beer
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Serious Inquiries ONLY.
If you are interested, call (800) THE-PAST
post id: 1638547951 posted: 3 hours ago email to friend
A Taker and not a Giver
If you’re looking for a woman you’d rather take to the sack instead of marry, watch out for the taker. She will take all the time. Then when it comes time to give, she will either have a headache, or be on her period.
I can’t stand women who say bad things about her ex boyfriend or husband. I could care less about any of her ex’s. Besides, if she would bad-mouth him, she would also bad-mouth you.
A Lazy Bitch
Some women want you to do, do, do for them. When it comes time to return the favor, they’re suddenly tired, or have a headache. Then, if you say something like, “What do I get in return?”, that headache starts throbbing more.
An Egotistical Bitch
Men don’t hold the monopoly on egos. Women have just as big an ego as men, if not bigger. Also known as a self-centered bitch, this kind of woman just wants a man, to make her feel important. It happens to be you, but could be someone else if she thinks something better comes along.
A Stake-Out Queen
This woman will watch every move you make. Whether she cares about you or not is immaterial. She cares more about herself. She wants to be in a relationship because it makes her feel important. The thought of you talking to another woman is a jolt to her ego. She is so into herself that her attitude is, “I don’t care for him that much, but he is mine and no one else can take him from me.” My advice is, don’t friend this bitch on Facebook. Otherwise, she will watch every move you make with you even knowing.
The RACIAL war is ALL WRONG
If you want to deny that there is a racial war going on, you’d better wake up. It’s as real as it has ever been. And the sad part is, IT’S ALL WRONG.
This racial war must stop, and stop immediately. It must stop on both sides. There is one, and only one reason it must stop, and it is a very good reason. The reason has nothing to do with who Afro Americans are. They are people, just like everyone who came from his or her mother’s womb. They put their pants on one leg at a time. This is the reason it must stop.
They were born that way. It was not by choice. You racist ass holes, back off.
The GAY war is NOT RIGHT, but NOT NECESSARILY WRONG
This is a different matter entirely. No one is born gay. Of course, gay activists will tell you some BS sob story, such as, “Well, they can’t help the way they are.”
This is BS. If a guy is gay, it’s because he wants to be. No one twisted his arm. No one held a gun to his head. It’s all a mental thing. Maybe he’s struck out with women, and wants to try something new. Or maybe he is proof of an old saying, If you can’t hold a job, change your line of work.
They were not born that way. It was by choice. You gay haters, also back off.
I tell it like it is, but I’m fair. These people should also not be the target of discrimination, for one reason. If you discriminate against gays, you are trying to take away the greatest privilege we have,
Freedom of Choice
But let’s not get carried away. Allowing them to marry each other is a bit much, don’t you think?
How the Catholic Church Deals with Gay Priests
It’s very simple. The Bishop just sends the priest on a long trip. This long trip is called a sabbatical. This is the fancy term that the Catholic Church uses. Other descriptions for a sabbatical are, furlough, leave of absence, time off and break. To simplify matters, the Bishop sends the priest away, on one condition. He never comes back. The result is – problem solved.
This is not speculation. All of this is true. This is the way the Catholic Church deals with homosexual priests – SWEEP IT UNDER THE RUG. Is this disgusting? You bet it is. I don’t think Pope Francis knows what’s going on in the Western Hemisphere. I do think Pope John Paul II knew, but he didn’t care. As long as he was in front of a camera, he was happy.
How a Southern Diocese Dealt with Two Homosexual Priests
This particular diocese, which shall remain nameless, dealt with two homosexual priests very differently.
The first priest was caught visiting mental hospitals, and taking advantage of vulnerable male patients. He was also caught in the act of molesting male members of his church many times. His victims were either naive people, or children. He was an elderly man, who was on the brink of retirement. The diocese just sent him to another town in the State where the diocese is located, for an early retirement. The priest has never been seen or heard from since.
The second priest was dealt with in a little more dramatic fashion, but discretely. This was a younger man who showed potential. The diocese, however, wanted to get his rear end out of town in order to avoid any embarrassment which may have occurred. Therefore, they sent him to another country as a missionary.
Eventually, this younger priest became an Archbishop, but no one knows what diocese he represents. It could be anywhere is the world. His title may even be bogus. He’s like a king without a country. He does, however, return home once a year, and is a frequent guest on a local radio talk show.
The first priest was shipped away to rot. The second priest was sent away to prosper. If you think this makes me happy and overjoyed, you’re wrong. I don’t like the way the Catholic Church handles this any more than the next person. But let’s be realistic. In a profession that forbids sex and marriage, it is more likely to attract fruit cakes.
This is how the Catholic Church handled these two homosexual priests. Go figure.
Chocolate – A substitute for SEX
Sex and chocolate are two things that people will not turn down.
It’s always been said the chocolate is a substitute for sex.
Chocolate also sells. Almost everyone likes chocolate. If someone doesn’t like chocolate, there has to be a very good reason.
Chocolate will stimulate you in a way that nothing else will.
Chocolate is associated with happiness and good times.
People will go out of their way to get some good chocolate.
But, there are three things that make chocolate different from SEX
- First, chocolate won’t stimulate you the same way as sex. I would be specific, but I think you get the general idea.
- Second, if you want some of the best chocolate in the world, all you have to do is click on any link in this short article. You can’t get sex by clicking on a link. If I could arrange that, I would retire and live on the French Riviera.
- Finally, will an article on chocolate get 4 thousand visitors within 30 minutes? WELL, let’s just see.
Sex and Chocolate – Two of life’s greatest pleasures.
Chances are, they’re both right. Knowing this is the truth is very important. If one person in the relationship knows this, and admits that both are crazy, he or she has the advantage, and is more capable of dealing with it.
Here are seven situations you may have to deal with, and how you should deal with them. This is non-sexist. This is directed to both men and women.
7 Ways to Deal with a Crazy Person in a Relationship
The person tells you up front, “Be honest with me if you don’t like me.”
If someone in a relationship tells you this, don’t buy into it. They are full of s__t! Oh, they expect you to be honest with them, but they have no intention of being honest with you. This is the classic double standard. They don’t exactly like you, but they won’t tell you because they think they could learn to like you. They just want to string you along, just in case they have a change of heart, which they seldom do. But, if you’re honest with them, they get upset and say something like, “Why do you want to end this?”
If this is going on in your relationship, get the hell out. The person is playing games, and it will not get better in the near future.
The person is not sure they like or don’t like you, but they watch your every move
With the power of Social Media, your friend can watch everything you’re doing, without talking to you for a week. If you’re on Facebook, they get upset because they think you’re talking with someone else. If they don’t like you, why should this matter. The answer is, because they want to keep their claim to you, just in case. You won’t be able to take a dump, in fear that he or she is watching. Also, this takes away any margin of error in the relationship. Whatever you do, or don’t do, you are in for hell, my Friend.
If this is going on in your relationship, get the hell out. Everything you do will piss this person off.
The person won’t answer the phone, and then gets angry because you won’t call again
Once again, this person is showing all the earmarks of a gamer. It’s OK to talk if this person wants to talk. But if you want to talk and he or she doesn’t, that’s different. Here’s the old double standard again. DAMN, I hate double standards. What’s even more nauseating is, when you finally talk to them, they say something like, “I’ve been thinking about you, and I miss you.” This is BULL S__T!
Again, get as far away as you can. There is always something better out there.
The person rather text you, because they don’t want to talk to you
I’m not even going to deliberate on this. This is the coward’s way out. Again, this has to do with the first thing, which is, honesty.
If you are widowed, never get into a relationship with another who is widowed
All he or she will do is talk about their beloved soul mate who passed on a few years ago. Then, they will accuse you of doing the same thing, and say something like, “I don’t think you ever really got over him / her.”
If you are in a relationship, you probably became friends on Facebook
The old Social Media surveillance watch comes back to haunt you. By now, you know that this is not going to work, at lease, in the near future. The other person has done nothing but play games with you. No matter how much you care about this person, you know it will be difficult to save the relationship. It could happen, but it would take a miracle. But miracles do happen. But get out for now. If it is meant to work, it will, but it is entirely out of your hands. The best way to get out is, un-friend them on Facebook. This is not done out of spite and deception. You do this to spare yourself the pain from being reminded of what could have been. If you do this, it will royally piss them off. But what’s ironic is, they are not pissed because you un-friended them. They are pissed because you did it to them before they could do it to you.
If the person comes back, be kind, understanding, forgiving, and keep an open mind
The best day of my life was the day I realized I was crazy. Face it. Aren’t we all a little crazy? Once I accepted myself for who I am, I was at peace with myself. When a person finds out they’re crazy, they tend to change. If this person comes back to you, keep an open mind. If someone means a great deal to you, and is very special to you, then what happened in the past should not keep you from moving forward. There’s no such thing as being set in your ways. People can change, at all ages.
Who knows? If this person comes back, you may be enlightened on some things you did wrong in the relationship, but were not aware of. You may be surprised. In fact, this is exactly what happened to me in a relationship once. I was madly in love with this woman. We dated for about 8 months. Things were not going so good. I felt like she just took me for granted, and only wanted me when it was convenient for her. We broke up. I thought my chances of walking on the moon were better than our getting back together. I couldn’t get her off my mind. About a year and a half later, we got back together, and BOY did she tell me some things about myself? The funny part is, I agreed with her.
To make a long story short, we were married 8 months later. For almost 20 years, we had a very happy marriage until she was taken away from me by lung cancer.
If someone is crazy, that’s OK. Face it. We’re all a little crazy. Those who know they are crazy can start living a very happy life.
Did you know that Michael Jordan was about to sign with Adidas? The Company turned him down because they thought he was too short.
Unfortunately, for Adidas, the Company wanted a guy who was at least seven feet tall. To Adidas, this better represented the sport of basketball.
Just think about how this would have altered the course of history. First of all, if Adidas had signed Micheal, they probably would have signed Tiger Woods. Michael would still be Michael, and Tiger would still be Tiger. But what would have happened to the fates of Adidas and Nike?
By the way, Adidas would have probably turned down Tiger, because he was too tall.
Here are some new rules that no one has ever heard about, and until now, have never thought about. They are a little different, but at least they make sense.
6 rules for good table manners
Start Dining if Your Companion is Late
If your dinner companion is late, go ahead and start dining without him. If you told him that dinner was at 7:30, you MEANT, 7:30. If he’s late, that’s his little red wagon. Go right ahead. Dig in. Enjoy the delicious food. If he gets mad at you for not waiting on him, PISS ON HIM!
Don’t Smoke Cigarettes at the Table
It’s OK to smoke a cigar, or a pipe. Just don’t smoke a cigarette. Cigarettes are not associated with dining. They are associated with sex. If you are a woman, and you enjoy smoking, learn to smoke a cigar or pipe. Otherwise, you are S O L!
Whatever is Passed to You, Don’t Return it
It has always been common courtesy to return something that you have asked someone to pass to you, once you’ve used it. But why? Who in the hell made up this bazaar rule? When you ask someone to pass the salt, and you put some on your food, why should you have to return it? If the ass hole who passed it to you makes a stink about it, tell him, “You didn’t give me the impression that you were about to use it. It was just sitting in front of you.”
If the Food Tastes Bad, be Honest
Don’t tell someone that the dinner is delicious if it tastes like it was seasoned with a pair of three week old gym socks. If you do this, people will see right through you and know you are lying out of your ass.
Sing at the Table
If your mouth is full of food, don’t do this. Otherwise, it is OK. Many people have never understood the logic. What’s wrong with singing at the table? If you’re sitting down, you can’t sing. If you stand up, you can sing. This is BS. About a hundred years ago, someone made up this rule. Why should we suffer because some ass hole screwed it up for everyone?
When you Finish Dinner, Put your Napkin in your Plate
If it’s a paper napkin, this doesn’t matter, because you can just toss it into the trash basket. This only applies to cloth napkins. Never do what you have probably been taught, which is, place your napkin on the table, or on the chair. Here’s the logic. You have wiped your mouth with this napkin. If you place it on the table or the chair, you will spread germs. Don’t worry about the plate. It will be washed, and so will the napkin – I HOPE!
Once the NCAA finds out what they’ve done, they will tear the Red Elephants a new rear end. They’ll probably take away Bear Bryant’s wins. This is appropriate, considering the deception was probably orchestrated by his son, who is the ring leader on the Alabama Board of Trustees.
On Saturday, December 6 during ESPN’s College Gameday, 4 days after the shocking announcement to end UAB football, Lee Corso implied that there was more to this story than meets the eye. Well Lee, My Friend, you are right on point. If you know the history of the Alabama Crimson Tide, you know that they will try to destroy anyone who takes a little attention away from their illustrious program. They’ve been trying to destroy their arch rival, the Auburn Tigers, for years, but have not been able to, and never will. At one time, Auburn was a thorn in Alabama’s side. They are no longer a thorn. They have more than held their own against their cross state arrogant rivals. Alabama doesn’t like it, but they’ll have to live with it.
Like Father, Like Son
Bear Bryant hated competition. He wanted the Alabama Crimson Tide to be the only attraction in the State, and set out to destroy anything that focused attention elsewhere. That’s why Birmingham never had an NFL franchise. Whenever there was talk about Birmingham landing an NFL franchise, Bryant threatened to pull his team out of Birmingham, and play the entire home schedule in Tuscaloosa. At the time, Birmingham needed Alabama, and Alabama needed Birmingham. Now, Alabama doesn’t need Birmingham, so their attitude is, Thanks Birmingham, but NO THANKS!
Apparently, UAB football is a threat to the mighty Alabama Crimson Tide. Otherwise, their football program would still be alive and well. Why is it obvious that Alabama is the culprit is all of this? Well, considering that both schools have the same Board of Trustees, headed by Bear’s illustrious son, how could anyone think otherwise? Coach Corso knows what’s going on.
UAB President, Ray Watts, not the bad guy
Ever since the announcement to end UAB football, UAB President, Ray Watts has taken the heat. This man is not to blame for what has happened. He has merely done what he has been told to do. How he was persuaded to do what he did is something I don’t want to touch with a ten foot pole. However, the truth will eventually come to the surface. This story is about to make national news.
The Alabama Crimson Tide is vulnerable right now. It is like a stack of cards about to fall over. The only thing that has held them together over the last eight years is Nick Saban. Saban is a gentleman, and probably is not into the politics like his counterpart of many, many years ago. The difference between Nick Saban and his long lost predecessor is simple. Nick Saban will try to beat you one the field, which he usually does. If he doesn’t, he won’t retaliate by trying to beat you off the field.
Finally, we’re not stating, as fact, that the University of Alabama is the culprit in all of this. This is merely our opinion. We also are not accusing the University of Alabama of any wrong-doing. If the Alabama Crimson Tide is guilty, the truth will come out. However, if what we have implied in this article is not true, we will be very, very surprised.
Get ready. This story is far from over. No one but the ones initiating the decision know the truth. They know who they are. And the truth, my Friends, will be revealed.
All of the content posted on Merjeo is opinion, not fact. We are merely expressing our opinion, as is everyone’s right to do so. Therefore, Merjeo, and the authors will not be held legally liable for any content posted.
What size shirt do you wear?
Out of curiosity, the man asked, “Why did you ask this question?” The response was,
I’m hoping you wear the same size as the guy you’re replacing. This way, I don’t have to buy any new Polo shirts.
What a Cheapskate!
Here are the situations, and what you should do.
- If you love someone, and they don’t love you, let it go.
- If someone loves you, and you don’t love them, let it go.
- If you just want to have sex with someone, do it if you can, or just let it go.
Actually, just drop everything, say “The Hell With It” and LET IT GO. Who cares?
I was more than willing to help him out. Then, he kind of paid me a compliment on my truck by saying, “That’s a cute little gadget you’re driving. Can’t you afford a bigger truck, or a Mercedes like the one I drive?” Then, I told him,
“Piss on you. Pay for your own damn gas.”
Diplomacy can be, poise, politeness, delicacy, finesse, etc.
Diplomacy is being as nice to someone as you have to be.
Diplomacy can be politics, artfulness, and craft.
Diplomacy is making someone feel like you enjoy their company, while, deep down, you know that they are a gigantic PAIN IN THE ASS !
Diplomacy is not ignorance. On the contrary, most of the people to whom you have to show diplomacy are ignorant.
Diplomacy is not impoliteness, rudeness or bad manners. . . . BUT MOST IMPORTANT. . . .
Diplomacy is telling someone to GO TO HELL, after which they are very excited about making the trip.
If you still grieve several years later after losing a loved one, some people will put you on a gilt trip by saying, “I don’t think you’ve ever gotten over it.”
Don’t let this get to you. Tell them to mind their own frickin business.
If you want it to, Grief can last forever. If you don’t want it to, move on. But never forget.
Grief has no time limit.
A guy was interviewing a beautiful woman who was applying for a job. During the interview, the guy who was doing the interview asked, “Would you like to go to lunch? Don’t worry. You’ve got the job.”
Later in the day, the guy doing the interview was fired for sexual harassment, and a week later, the Company was sued.
If someone does not like you, so what. It is not your problem. It is their problem. The worse thing you can do is worry about what other people think. Do this, and you will cheat yourself out of having a good life.
What other people think of you is none of your business.
I didn’t have any cash, so I asked the attendant, “I feel funny using my debit card for 70 cents. Is it all right?” She said, “That’s fine, don’t worry about it.”
Then I said to her, “I never carry cash. I always use my debit card. If I am ever held up by a robber, I would be in big trouble.”
Suddenly, I was in a crazy, and joking mood, so I continued by saying, “Of course, it is my understanding that most thieves today will take plastic. They will take a debit or a credit card. In fact, it would not surprise me if, in the very near future, thieves will tell you to stick ‘em up, and then allow you time to go to the bank, take out a loan and finance the robbery.”
Who knows? By this time next year, thieves may run credit checks on people before they decide to rob them. If their credit is approved, they will hold them up. If their credit is turned down, they will go on to their next customer.
It’s illegal, but to thieves, they think it’s a business, and that they’re also being hit by the economic crunch.
If you are a high school senior and graduation day finally arrives, it is a sad day. You know that there is a slim chance that you are going to see some of your classmates again.
Some you will never see again, unless someone dies. It’s bad that someone has to pay the price in order for you to see an old friend again.
This is something I’ve never understood. Two minutes after a baby is born, someone asks, “Who do you think it looks like, its mother or its father?”
Even more puzzling is when someone says, “Oh, I think it is the splitting image of its father.”
The kid is only two minutes old. How would anyone know who it looks like?
All newborn babies look the same – like a Jelly Roll
Just kidding. This will not make you a fast million. But I’m not kidding when I say:
Do exactly what this scam artist tells you to do, and you will lose everything you own.
Oh, by the way, don’t worry. We’re not an affiliate promoting her system. I’m sure you’ve figured this out by now. We think too highly of our readers to do something like this to them.
To all those moonlighting
Moonlighting is a pretty good way to pass the time, and make extra money at the same time. The problem is, moonlighters sometimes forget where they are.
If you work at McDonalds during the day, and as a dispatch for 911 at night, don’t say to a caller, “Hey Man! You need to try the Chicken Select Tenders. They’re back and better than ever.“
There is one business in which you don’t have to worry about pleasing the customer. You can even piss them off, and it doesn’t matter. The more you piss the customer off, the more he keeps coming back.
This is the only business where dissatisfied customers keep coming back, over and over again.
Open a Gambling Casino
I once had a discussion with a Catholic Priest, who is also a Franciscan Friar. He is a professor and a liturgist at one of the Catholic Seminaries. A liturgist is the professor who teaches men in the Seminary how to say mass. He is the best liturgist in the world.
In the Catholic Church, it is believed that the Priest performs a ritual, and changes the bread and wine into the Body and Blood of Jesus Christ, literally. Then, the people receive it as communion. This priest teaches men how to do this.
One day, we were having a few beers, feeling pretty good, and then we started talking some crazy stuff. I asked him this question, “If you’re in a burning building, in danger of dying, and there’s a priest around, can he just bless a piece of bread fast, without going through the entire ritual?”
He responded, “Why would you want him to do that?”
My answer was, “Because if I think I’m about to die, I would at least like to receive the Body of Jesus Christ before I die. This may increase my chances of getting into heaven.”
His answer to the question was, “I would think that receiving communion would be the last thing on your mind. What you should be more concerned about is SAVING YOUR ASS.”